Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
