i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
