i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
