Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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