why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
