my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
