i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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