he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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