Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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