did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
