it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Floor bacon is actually really good
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
