Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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