Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
