You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
