so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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