i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
