I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
