Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
