So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
