How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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