Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
