just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
