I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
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I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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