if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
