Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
