You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
