It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
