So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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