I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
