I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
