Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
