I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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