I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
