I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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