I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
