No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my being single is dangerous.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
