she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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