Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize