naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
