The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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