fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
