I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Randomize
