1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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