quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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