alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
