Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
