I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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