Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
