I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
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