Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
