There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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