i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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